Dark Blue Van 2

The dark blue van was beat up and dirty, “Just Like Heaven” was blaring, and her little fingers were tapping on the window to the beat. She missed a few beats, but that was expected of a young girl.

“Today I went to Sarah’s house while I was waiting for you to pick me up mom!”

Distracted, but suddenly aware, Mom answered, “Oh really?”

“Yeah! And she has a little garbage can, but it’s not really a garbage can, it is full of candy!”

No response.

She couldn’t reach the button to roll down the window without grabbing the back of Mom’s chair and pulling herself forward. She pulled herself up and Mom yelled at her “Don’t touch my seat!” The girl ignored her and rolled down the window anyways.

The drive home from school is short; drive past Sarah’s house, then Clark Park, turn right, turn left, turn right, go up the hill and then home. The hill was huge to her at the time, but to older people it was small. Clark Park was her favorite place to go, the 4th of July parade was there, and you could see the fireworks from the country club perfectly.

The van pulled into the driveway and the girl ran into the garage, brother was inside playing video games. The garage was set up as movie room with couches, blankets, and mountains of junk food. She ran into the house and found the dog, Mom called it the damned dog. She repeated that once to a friend and Mom made her wash her mouth out with soap. Mom came into the house, went to her room and closed the door. Sister came home from school with a friend. Her friend always wore long sleeves, even in the summer. The girl always looked up to her, she was gorgeous and perfect. She overheard Mom and sister talking about it one day and heard that one of her arms was missing. She assumed a shark had bitten it off, she saw that happen to people on Discovery Channel’s Shark Week on T.V.

She finished her pretend homework that every young child is given in grade school. She wanted to wait up for Dad, but Mom made her go to bed.

The next day Mom was there to pick her up right after school got out. She didn’t get to go to Sarah’s house that day.

Mom took her to Clark Park to play with brother and his friends. She didn’t want to play there, she wanted to play with Sarah’s family. She asked why she couldn’t play with Sarah’s family anymore, and mom ignored her question.

Dad didn’t come home that night. He was working late.

She saw Mom and Dad having a conversation later that month. Mom was crying and Dad had a look of disappointment. He pressed all five of his fingers into the top of his forehead and massaged his temple with his thumb. He did this when he was stressed or angry, he sighed a lot too.

At church, everyone looked at her family with glancing eyes. She could hear the whispers from familiar faces, and feel them judging her and her family. Mom wouldn’t let her talk to Sarah after church anymore. She asked why. Mom answered. She didn’t understand the answer, so she asked again.

She asked again every day, and got the same answer every day.

After school Mom was late, for the first time in months. She was bored so she walked to Sarah’s house. Sarah hugged her, kissed her, and took her to the little garbage can filled with candy. She took some candy and went to play Polly Pockets with Sarah’s daughter. Going to Sarah’s was her favorite thing. She stayed there for thirty minutes, and decided she should probably leave.

She went back to the school and waited for mom to pick her up. She was really late that day. When Mom finally got there she felt guilty because she had gone to Sarah’s even though Mom had made it clear that she didn’t want her to. Mom didn’t seem focused, she was distant and sad. Mom was driving home, past Clark Park, but in her mind she was driving through darkness.

She was old enough to care about Mom and want to help her, but she was too young to formulate the question in an appropriate manner.

“Why is there a tear on your face?” She blurted

She asked in a way that made the car feel awkward, as if all the air was sucked out. Mom could feel it, but the girl couldn’t. She was too little to feel things like that.

Mom wiped it away and said she would tell her later.

That night at dinner Mom told them she was pregnant. Sister was annoyed, that would be her fourth sibling, she didn’t want to be a huge annoying family, like the ones at church with seven kids. Dad wasn’t surprised, and he didn’t talk much that dinner. In fact, he hadn’t talked much at any dinner recently.

The next Sunday at church the girl felt the same eyes and whispers, she had felt them for over a month now. And she knew why. After church everyone gathered in the foyer to talk, half went to Sarah’s side and the other half came to her family’s side.

A couple more weeks went by, with awkward interactions, and an underwhelming presence of Mom and Dad. The little girl got sick of staying at her friends’ houses all day everyday. She wanted to be with her family more.

It was that time right before spring, the hardest time; everyone is sick of winter, and waiting for spring to bring everything good back. Random snow showers came and went, along with some beloved warm days. Warm being a low 45 degrees of course. Usually the warm days would bring a sense of happiness and hope into the house, but not this year. The winter was still lingering at home.

After church one Sunday, with the flock of people split into two, the girl walked up to Sarah. She was so pretty in her sunflower dress, the girl tugged at the hem of the dress. All eyes turned to her and watched. She looked up at Sarah and said, “I know why my family can’t play with your family anymore.”

She captured the attention of people on both sides of the foyer. People gasped and fidgeted with horrified looks on their faces.

Sarah’s face was even more horrified than everyone elses, she tried to conceal it but she couldn’t. She was about to be completely humiliated in front of a hundred people by a little girl.

And she stumbled out her answer, “Because you and my dad had a ina-inaprop-ri-ate relationship.”

There was silence for a while, nobody dared speak a sound. They had already spread their whispers for the past months, but were too cowardly to do it now.

The girls comment was clearly told to her previously and had been simply been repeated like a parrot repeats something after it has been told multiple times.

The girl thought she heard Mom giggle a little when she made her comment, she had finally gotten some attention from Mom after months of none. She felt encouraged to do more, she ran around laughing at Sara. Mom tried to hide her slight satisfaction with the public humiliation that Sarah was receiving. Mom had felt the same public humiliation for a while now, and secretly liked to see it on Sarah.

Sarah left, and so did Dad and Mom, everyone else waited inside until both of our families had driven off. They couldn’t stand to be around the awkwardness anymore.